All Men are JERKS
by DestinyManifested
Summary: Girl meets boy. Boy insults girl. Girl cusses boy out on the sidewalk and fun is had by all. This is a Serena & Darien meant to make you laugh, the other scouts will show up eventually, promise. I'm big on witty banter. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

  
**Author's Note: Hey All! This is my first attempt at sharing fan type fiction so cut me some slack. But keep something in mind. It's meant to be funny. The whole way through. I'm not aiming for depth, enlightenment, true love (at least not a healthy version of it), or an award for Biggest Romance. I'm not trying to make people go "Ah" I'm trying to make you go "Ah damn! That was mean!" My goal is simply put, to make you laugh your ass off. Now if I succeed (I hope I hope) please jot me a review. If I didn't, say it nicely in a review, but kitty has claws so careful . Also remember that this is not exactly the Serena we all know and love. My Serena can send out some kick ass comebacks, doesn't cry, and swears like a sailor. Now there is some dating eventually in the story, but you must be patient with me. It took me forever to share this. But I shared it in my creative writing class and heard some rather interesting comments. Like it was too funny. **

**What the hell kinda stupid ass comment is that? My goal is to take your mind off your troubles and make you wheeze and pop a damn lung from laughter. So go on. POP POP! **

**And don't send me medical bills because I'm broke.**

**Disclaimer P.S. If I owned Sailor Moon…Sorry, I got distracted imagining all that money. Anyways, I don't. Damn it. I also don't own any other pop culture references I make. I think Xena, Hello Kitty andKFC come up at some point...Anywho, continue!**

**All Men are JERKS…Until Proven Otherwise**

**By Destiny Manifested**

**Chapter One: Who the Hell are You?**

Have you ever been in a relationship you knew was destined to fail? And you go in to it knowing that the two of you working together would mean that hell has finally frozen over? But you just don't give a shit because the other person you aren't meant to be with is **_so_** hot? Yeah, well, if the answer is no then you are starting the wrong damn story. Okay it happened like this…

I was walking along minding my own business when suddenly, HE, walked by me. Now at the time I didn't know who HE was, so you don't really need to know either. But let me give you a visual. 6'2, coal black hair, and the bluest fucking eyes I have ever seen in my entire life! They were the eyes those poets were always going on and on about, but I never paid attention because I was usually asleep during my English class but that's not the point. Okay, so are you getting the picture here? Not only that, but he had muscles. I _love_ muscles! Not the scary muscle beach kind of muscles, but the, you can tell he's got this amazing body under those clothes (and at this point I was imagining getting under those clothes), type of muscles. Okay back to the point.

Now I'm not what you would call a 'subtle' girl. When I'm attracted to a guy, I do everything but nail him on the street (okay there was that one time, but I was so drunk, and ya know what you didn't need to know this) so when I saw this walking Clarke Kent, it was all I could do not to drool. And at this point you're wondering 'what could be wrong with this beautiful boy she's talking about' but don't forget, I'm not done. See visually, this boy was picture perfect. Unfortunately, like most men, he felt the need to speak and ruined the whole picture.

"Wow your hair looks weird; it looks like a couple of meatballs and spaghetti noodles!"

_Why why why did he have to speak why?_ I was so happy treating him like a breathing pin up doll, but _nooo_, he had to ruin it by acting like a guy. Now he thought he could just say this and walk away from me. This proves that he ain't the smartest man in the world. I should've just snapped a picture and ran, just snapped it and ran. But I ain't that smart either.

"Take that back you walking excuse for birth control! Yeah, I'm talking to you, you with the patch of public hair on your chin!" (Did I mention that cute little patch of black fuzz on his chin? Needless to say, I wasn't thinking it was cute right then but never mind!) I don't know who you think you are, but how DARE you say that to me! I don't even know you, is that how you greet strangers on the street you schmuck!"

Now if you'll remember correctly, I told you I'm not subtle. Now that stretches to all aspects of my life. If I think you're fine, I'll tell you, if I think you look like you've been in a car accident every day of your entire life, I'll tell you! I'm not mean; I'm just brutally honest. Now if some little shit balls that shall remain nameless (Rei! Blppt!) want to say I'm a bitch, then fine! But at least you will always know what I think of you. You know if I like you, you know if I hate your ass even more strongly! I think that's good but back to the point. So, if you can imagine, he, like every other person on the street, was standing there gawking at me. Now as much as I hate criticism, you can't imagine how much I hate people who stare.

"Excuse me am I yelling at you! Do you want me to start! Take those two drumsticks you call legs and keep heading toward Kentucky Fried Chicken, don't you make me cross this street! Hey you! Take your two-dollar hoe and your punk ass down the street! And take Uncle Fester with you! Who are you looking at Brunhilda? Get back on your broom! Where are you going pube boy, I'm not done yelling at you!"

Yeah, isn't that cute, this punk ass little bitch tried to run away! If he wasn't so damn hot, lucky for him, I would have been a lot meaner. I know, you thought this was as bad as I get, are you seeing why I don't keep friends easily? Job for the brave people, job for the brave. But on with the biggest mistake of my morning.

"Don't you think you're overreacting? It was an innocent comment, it's not like I said you look butch, I just said what I thought your hair looked like! You don't have to go all Carrie on my ass!"

Now the worst thing you can do when I go in to a rant is yell back!

"Who're you calling Carrie, with those Freddy Krueger looking fingernails! I was willing to be completely civil and just walk by you on the street, stopping momentarily to check out your ass, and then continue on with my day. But oh No, you're one of those _special _people who opens their mouth and immediately inserts their entire damn leg!"

"So you were gonna check out my ass huh?"

I paused to briefly review what I had just yelled. Dammit he was right, I did say that now what? I could take it back, but that's just not me. Unless I run you over with my car and then back up and do it again, then and only then, will I admit something is wrong. By the way, again, sorry about that Sammy, I honestly thought you were one of those new speed bumps that shriek when you go over! I paid your medical bills, and for the corrective surgery so would you just get over it already! Loosing focus, loosing focus…

"Yeah silly me, obviously I only had to look above your neck to see your ass."

"You know, for such a pretty girl, how did you end up with the mouth of a New York taxi driver?"

Are you seeing the problem with this guy? Why couldn't he just leave it at pretty girl? I might've calmed down if he left it there, but not this brain trust, he's like the energizer bunny!

"And for such a pretty boy, how did you end up with the IQ of a doormat?"

"Yeah right Meatball head, you look like a real genius yourself. Do you know what 2 plus 2 is? Can you spell _apple_?"

If only he had been wearing _cleats_ when he shoved in that leg! Or a good pair of steel tipped stilettos. Of course if he were a cross dresser, this story would be going very very differently.

"Do you know what my foot plus your ass is? Can you spell _hospital_?"

"Violent little honey aren't you?"

"Moronic little playboy aren't you?"

"So you do think I'm cute. What's your name?"

Hello! Where is he, were we not just insulting each other? When you're in the middle of Mortal Kombat, you do not switch to the Love Connection and expect me to not be confused!

"My name is none of your business you psycho, I just met you for all I know you're a serial killer."

"Well if that's the case, we should be easily identified together seeing as every person on this street is staring at the 2 of us."

If you'll review previous statements, I hate people who stare. I was at my sweetest though and got rid of them quickly.

"If you people don't get back to your business everyone gets a trip to Tokyo General! The next person whose eyes I see on my ass is getting bludgeoned to death with my Hello Kitty backpack! Get moving I will put my foot…! Run maggots!"

See now wasn't I a lot nicer this time?

"Damn I was looking at your ass; does that mean I'm getting Hello Kittied?"

There he goes again with that freakishly long leg of his. I was imagining him with his leg stuffed down his throat, hopping desperately on one foot while still trying to talk. Oh dammit, he thought my smile at this picture was directed at his question.

"As much fun as killing you would be, I only just got the cops off my ass about the last one. So you see another day."

"You have a very nice ass."

"Oh hell, I'll just stuff you in a dumpster."

"Calm down Xena, it was a compliment. So what _is_ your name?

"If I tell you, I really will have to kill you."

"Then I'll die happy. I'm Darien Chiba if you were wondering."

"I wasn't and my name's Serena."

How did fighting turn in to flirting? Where did I go wrong?

"No last name? What are you related to Madonna?"

"No are you sure you aren't related to Satan?"

"A few of her helpers but no solid blood lines."

"You think Satan is a woman?"

"Yes, how is your mother, doing well I hope? Well gotta go, I'll see you around Meatball Head!"

What did he just say? WHAT DID HE JUST SAY! I'll kill him, I'll gut him like a fish, and I'll WHERE THE HELL IS HE GOING!

"Where the hell are you going! Get back here so I can hurt you! I'll get you you jerk off and your little bony ass too!"

And that was the first of my many encounters with Darien Chiba. See there had to be more. Because **_no one_** gets the last word over me.

**End of Chapter 1**

**So the love birds have met! What did y'all think? I hope you thought it was funny… Thanks to my earliest reviewers of this story: Gabby, Lorraine, 'One, and Mom (who clearly didn't really read it all or I'd a gotten smacked for all that swearing). If you like it let me know with a pretty review! If you hated it…Who cares I don't know you? Anyway, spread the word if ya like it so I can get more reviews! If I get a lot of love I'll update soooooooo much faster. Oh and one last thing, I've never done this putting your shit on the internet thing and made it hard going so anything you don't like about the formatting is not my fault. If you know how to fix it, drop me a line, if you want to complain about it just to complain, drop dead. Have a nice day! .**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: 11/2/2005**

**Hey People! Thank you so much for the reviews, it's the only way I'm ever going to know if anyone is reading this that isn't required to by fear of me being in slapping distance. This is longer then the last part, I'm not so good at the breaks (I almost made it shorter) but I hope you like it. Read on!**

**_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing; I don't even own the computer I'm typing this at. Sailormoon and her cohorts are all the property of the big brass in Japan. **

**_All Men Are JERKS!_**

By DestinyManifested

_Chapter 2: Round 2_

Now I dont know about you, but when I get pissed, that feeling doesnt just go away when the object of my _supreme hatred_, is no longer in the room. Oh no, it festers and grows until, like in this case, every man I see is within a second of being bitch slapped across the street if they dare to even breathe on me funny. My brother, Im pretty sure I gave him grounds for a restraining order. One little kick and he's yelling Mom. Okay, to be honest, I might have punted him into the wall, but its not like I broke him or any- you know what never mind! The point is; I was still really pissed about D-that man! Yeah thats right, hes so low, he no longer has a name. So after my meeting with Him, I had no other choice but to do what I do naturally. I ate.

If you spotted me on the street, after wondering whether I had turrets for screaming at your staring, youd also be amazed to learn that I consume about as much as my entire body weight in food, per day. Isn't that cool. I beat humpback whales! I probably shouldnt be proud of that huh? Well fuck you Weight Watchers; anybody who comes between Sizzlers and me loses a vital organ! No one slows me down to the all you can eat bar, NO ONE!

So I headed for our local house of pancakes, to consume everything on the right side of the menu, when I was hindered by yet another honey. This one wasn't as tall or fine as D-that man, but he'd do. Complete opposites physically really. Blonde hair, green eyes (green, the new blue! Shut up, it is if I say it is) and he had a _really_ nice...smile. Admit it, you thought I'd put ass, but I do notice other parts. Besides he was walking towards me, how could I check out his tush?

Anyways, I could tell he was going to talk to me because he had _the look_. Now for those of you who dont know _the look_, Ill explain it to you. Guys may not realize this, but when theyre about to hit on girls, they get, what my friends and I call, Tarzan face. Its this kind of, 'Me Tarzan you Jane lets get horizontal' thing that either makes the girl give an answering smile of: 'Oh yes!' or 'Oh God no!' I give way more nos then yes but I was in the mood to have my ego stroked so I gave a 'Oh sure, I'm not doing anything right now.' So we had the standard, guy wants my number, chat:

"Hi have I seen you around here before?" Yeah guys, for the love of God, try to be more original than this in the future. We know you havent seen us or youd have hit on us before.

"I dont think so, maybe you just know someone who looks like me."

"No, Ive never seen anyone as beautiful as you before." Better then the intro. and flattery is always good. If I wasnt positive I _am_ the most beautiful girl hed ever seen, I might think he was spreading it on a little thick. Yeah, humbleness; not my thing!

"How sweet, my names Serena."

"I'm Andrew." (Ooh I like that name, so much better then D-that guy!)

"Do you want to sit down Andrew?" It's okay to make this offer, because I knew for a fact he wasnt going to sit down. He was here for my number, and only my number. If he sits down, it gives me way too much time to critique him and decide if hes a loser.

"No that's okay; I have to head over to the library it closes soon." Now I knew he was lying, but at least he was trying to appear smart. How did I know he was lying? _It was 12 o__clock in the afternoon_. Back to the conversation!

"Oh okay well it was nice talking to you." At this point he had a one-minute opportunity to ask for my number. Short window, I had food to eat.

"Hey can I get your number? So we can continue this stimulating conversation." There was only one thing that was stimulated, and it wasn't the conversation. This guy needed to invest in a notebook. A _big_ notebook.

"Sure.Here. Bye." What?There is nothing wrong with being abrupt; he's getting my number isn't he? And All You Can Eat, it was the food or him and I wanted pancakes!

"Oh thanks, bye." And he took off like a bat out of hell. It was just as well really. So many dessert trays, only so many hours in the day. Something had to be done!

Okay before I start again, you have to understand a very key element to my personality. Its called _hostility_. If you piss me off, you cannot be surprised if you suddenly discover my foot in your ass. Im bracing you for what's about to happen next, because I don't want you to be surprised. Now you have got to realize that what I'm about to tell you is not my fault right? I had no idea that things would turn out that way; I was a completely innocent bystander! Maybe it doesn't look that way on paper but- ya know what. I do not have to defend myself to you. At least not right now, I have to tell you what happened first. Remember that nothing was my fault!

Okay, just to let you skip another boring convo, I agreed to go out to dinner with Andrew. Remember him, cute blonde, IQ of a brussel-sprout? Likes to pretend he's literary to get chicks numbers? Well anyway he's even less interesting on the phone, but I did get a nice view of his ass when he jogged away, so I said yes to a first date. And everything went downhill from there. Keep in mind that nothing was my fault.

Let me just say, I looked _so_ hot when he picked me up. My hair was perfect, wasn't doing that woo woo thing it likes to do to piss me off, I had new black Prada boots that looked soo amazing with my legs, and a really cute vintage teal baby doll dress. Im just trying to give you a preview of how beautiful I looked. Why? Because it's important for you to realize how lucky Andrew was that I said yes to the date. I dress to impress me; if I walk to my mirror and think, shit I look good, make no mistake, _I look good_. See thats the problem with other girls. They dress to impress their guy. Yeah right! Half the time guys look like they dress in the dark, and what is with the plaid thing? Say it with me boys, _Armani_. Do not expect to date me if you look like you woke up, looked in the mirror, decided, shit I look fine why bother, and walked out of your house. Not only will I laugh, I will cry because you _smell_. You cannot disguise _funk_ with _Old Spice_; many of you try, whether you realized it or not _you failed_. I ask you, on behalf of everyone who will be forced to be near you, BATHE! DAILY!

Okay Im straying from the point.

The point is I looked good.

So we get in the car, do the small talk thing; you know, just standard bullshit diatribe that is necessary to make the date progress. ("Hi you look great." "I like your car." "No you cant meet my family they joined the circus this morning.") I get annoyed with that and start playing with the radio, and then an actually interesting conversation happens. Naturally I started it off with my classic eloquence.

"I cant believe you like that group, they hella suck."

"Well it's better then that cry baby music you were listening to; I know the damn rain forest is being destroyed, if they play that song one more fucking time, I'll light the damn trees myself."

"Oh please, I wouldnt get so attached to that group if I were you, I heard Russia is sending one of those little fuckers in to space, and with luck it'll spontaneously combust and they'll play it on the news over and over and-"

"Real nice, at least they try to be upbeat; we don't need songs to tell us the world sucks, if youre conscious, _you know_."

"I dont need music to make me upbeat, they have drugs for that now; say it with me _Valium_."

"You're propagating the myth that we need drugs to help society."

"Well thank you Tom Cruise. And you'd better embrace that propaganda because drugs are all that keep most of society sane. You should kiss the inventor of epidermal, because without him, your mother wouldve gone black widow on your dad during childbirth. Without Tylenol, no man I know would be alive."

"No one has convinced me yet that PMS really exists."

"Give me an hour, and when this shit wears off, I'll gladly convince you."

"Violence is never the answer."

"Then youre just not doing it right. What, did your parents strap you down and make you watch Barney all day as a child?"

"You have a very negative outlook, every heard of the bright side?"

"Guess my questions answered."

"Youre very beautiful you know that."

"Yes and distracting me from the argument doesn't end it."

"I want us to have a good time; I dont want to fight with you."

"Im having a nice time, arguing is how my people communicate."

"So you win."

"What do you mean I win?"

"Boy bands suck your music rules, obviously you know everything, and what the hell was I thinking?"

I was stumped. And a little disgusted. A few words and he folds like a house of cards. It was obvious he wasn't my ideal, who wants a man who won't fight back? My friends and I have been having the same argument for the last 6 years and not one of us has backed down yet. It's what made our friendship so close, whenever we ran out of things to say we resorted back to our favorite argument. And I still say Sailormoon could've kicked the other senshi's asses if she wanted to. She had the crystal right? Right. So back to my chicken-shit date...

"Why won't you defend your opinion?"

"Because it's N'SYNC and I just don't give that much of a shit to argue about it with you."

"We're very different."

"Yeah, something tells me you'd argue over who shot JFK."

"It was _so_ a conspiracy by the government."

"The guy confessed."

"I'd confess if they threatened to shoot my ass too."

"You're doing it again."

"Fine, so choose your safe topic."

"Cheese."

What?

What?"

"I like cheese, I love Italian food, do you like cheese?"

"I'm lactose intolerant."

"You are not!"

"Okay fine Im not, but you better pick a better topic then that. At least something I could debate about."

"You really want to argue don't you?"

"It's the only way this date has a chance."

"Fine. I think women belong in the home"

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me?"

And so the night progressed. We argued through the ticket line, we argued through the movie, we argued about whose fault it was we were kicked out of the movie; we just kept at it. It was one of the best dates I'd ever had. That is, it _was_. See because its my life it couldn't just stay fun. Oh no, it just had to get shitty. And now, without further ado, enter 'The ASSHOLE'.

"Hey Meatball Head, didnt expect to see you here! Maim anyone on the drive up?"

The universe just couldn't let me stay happy. Oh _no_, Serena can't be happy, if Serena's happy then someone else is miserable _and it'__s not as funny when it's not her_! Why, out of all the restaurants in Tokyo did this jackass show up at this one? Was it fate? Do the fates want me to bitch slap this jerk into the next millennium? Well if they didn't then they really should've told him that McDonalds was the happening restaurant in town. Because he's about to get spayed the hard way! Serena winds up a fastball, and the pitch!

"Oh I didn't know this restaurant had an Asshole Day, do you get dinner for free or is it the Giant Prick Discount?"

"I didn't come to fight Meatball Head; I just came over to say hi. You know, its what people who aren't raised by shit throwing monkeys do."

"That reminds me, how are your parents Darien?"

"Real cute. Hey Andrew, how's it going?"

Oh God no.

"Andrew you know this putz?"

"We're in the same Advanced English class. Hey Darien, who did you come here with?"

"The red head that sits in front of you in English; Rita. We bumped into each other and decided to go to dinner."

"Rita's cool, she helped me cram for the midterm. Are you guys just friends or-?"

Oh please, I bet there isnt even a real girl; he's just using this as an excuse to wreck my date!

"There's no way she came with you just for your company. Is she blind or poor?"

"No, she just knows a real man when she sees one."

"Yeah, I guess she looks around you to see Andrew."

"Thanks Ser-"

"Quiet this doesn't concern you!"

You want to know what happened next? There actually was a girl. An astoundingly pretty girl. And she chose that moment to walk up and ruined everything!

"Darien our table is ready. Hey Andrew. Oh hi, Im Rita."

Dammit she was nice.

"Rita don't even bother speaking to it, its like talking into a brick wall!"

"How would you like to meet a brick wall? Head first!"

(Rita) "Whoa, whats with the hostility? Did you guys used to date?"

And the only time Darien and I will ever agree on anything:

"HELL NO!"

"They dont make drugs strong enough"

"Apparently they dont make contraceptive drugs strong enough or I wouldn't be stuck here arguing with you!"

"You know what Meatball Head-!"

"Get lost loser, I was having a perfectly great time with Andrew before you- Andrew? Where did he go?"

"If he's smart he ran screaming out of the city! Come on Rita let's- Rita?"

_This didnt just happen_! Tell me I was not just abandoned by my Prince Charming and left with the Village Idiot. When I open my eyes again, Darien will be gone, possibly struck by lightning and peed on by a dog, and Andrew will still be sitting at our table.

Oh no.

"You idiot, you made Andrew leave, you ruined our date!"

"Excuse me, my date ditched me too, this is just as much your fault as it is mine!"

"Who told you to come over and start a fight with me; you did it deliberately just to ruin my night!"

"I came over to say hi to a friend from school, little did I know that he was slumming tonight!"

"Oh please, how much did you have to pay Rita to get her to go out in public with you, is it a twenty for every stupid thing you say and a fifty for stupid things you do?"

"I dont know what Andrew was seeing when he asked you out, I wouldnt think hed stoop so low."

"He was seeing a beautiful blonde with a great rack and mile long legs! What was your date seeing, visions of dollar signs?"

"I dont have to pay women to go out with me, they take a number."

"Yeah a credit card number! Or maybe a nine hundred number, is Rita her real name or her phone alias?"

"I dont know why I bother talking to you; its such a waste of air!"

"I agree, here, stick your head in this garbage bag and well solve both are problems!"

"I wish I never ran into you on the street!"

"I wish I'd run into you with my car going 80!"

"Do you want to go get ice cream!"

"Okay fine!"

Now I know what youre thinking. And don't worry I don't understand how it happened either! I mean he is _so_ annoying, and self-righteous, and such a spoiled little rich kid. But, girls, come on he is sooooo hot! I'm talking; _hit your girlfriend in the back of the head with your purse to stop her from speaking to him first_ fine! That's a rare find in Japan we don't get imports. Do you know how manyforeign men refuse to come here when they realize they have to take a shit through a hole in the floor? It _is_only in public places but still. I know I know, don't get me wrong I couldn't be prouder of my culture and heritage, but come on! There is nothing dignified to me about squatting like a chicken. And I don,t have great aim as is! Off topic, and EEW, and must focus...

So I agreed to ice cream. So what? He's rich he can afford it. And the way I eat, he's going to need that credit card. On dates I usually agree to pay half, because I eat enough to fill a dump truck and it's not pretty to see a grown man cry when he signs a check. But see, this wasn't a date. This was a dessert between the guy who chased away my date and me. And the very thought of that just made me _ravenous_.

**Author: So what did ya think? If you loved, if you hated, write me a review pretty _please_. I'm young and I need compliments to survive. Besides, the more reviews, the quicker the chapters come out (HINT HINT). And trust me, you'll like the next part. . Ja ne!**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Author's Note_: **

**Hi People! I'm getting some more reviews, which is so great because I love knowing how often I should update this (I mean if it's not popular I've got some time) so keep it up and let me know what you think. I did get one comment about Serena being too vain and too verbal…yeah, that's not going to change. If you read my first author note I said I don't write for marshmallow Serena, I was sick of her and how she let everyone stomp on her. This Serena knows she's attractive, gives as good as she gets and at least knows who she is. She is the anti 'Chick Lit', not a drop of Bridget Jones in her really. If you don't dig it, you might want to skip this story, it's not like there aren't a thousand others based on Serena being a human powder puff that cries at everything that you couldn't read. "Where is Serena's kindness?" Where is everybody else's? I'm not interested in writing her as the goody good girl. If my Serena has a sweet side…then she's like a sour ball and you're going to have to work for it! To the rest of ya, thanks and love. And even love to my critics, hell; at least you gave it a shot right? Enjoy! **

**_Disclaimer_: **

**I own _nothing_. Not Sailor Moon, any of her friends, Eminem, any pop culture references to music, food or clothing brands, or any other such thing. I still don't own the computer I'm writing this at (though I am thinking about 5 fingering it…) Enjoy the show!**

_**Recap from Chapter** 2_:

"I wish I never ran into you on the street!"

"I wish I'd run into you with my car going 80!"

"Do you want to go get ice cream!"

"Okay fine!"

Now I know what you're thinking. And don't worry I don't understand how it happened either! I mean he is _so_ annoying, and self-righteous, and such a spoiled little rich kid. But, girls, come on he is sooooo hot! I'm talking; _hit your girlfriend in the back of the head with your purse to stop her from speaking to him first_ fine! That's a rare find in Japan we don't get imports! Do you know how many American men refuse to come here when they realize they have to take a shit through a hole in the floor? It's only in public places but still. I know I know, don't get me wrong I couldn't be prouder of my culture and heritage, but come on! There is nothing dignified to me about squatting like a chicken. And I don't have great aim as is! Off topic, and EEW, and must focus…

So I agreed to ice cream. So what? He's rich he can afford it! And the way I eat, he's going to need that credit card. On dates I usually agree to pay half, because I eat enough to fill a dump truck and it's not pretty to see a grown man cry when he signs a check. But see, this wasn't a date. This was a dessert between the guy who chased away my date and me. And the very thought of that just made me _ravenous_.

**All Men Are JERKS!**

By _DestinyManifested_

**Chapter 3: Slap Heard 'Round the World**

"I don't understand how you could eat everything in Baskin Robbins and still want more!"

"Who invited who to ice cream? If I'd known you were going to be so cheap-"

"Cheap! This is the most expensive date I've ever had, and I've dated models!"

"Oh please, all they eat are ice cubes, how much could a dinner cost? 'I'll have 1 carrot stick please and a glass of diet water. And make sure we're by the bathroom, I'll have to throw it up later.' And this is not a date Romeo; this is you paying me back for scaring my actual date off!"

"It didn't take much did it Meatball Head, how bored was he? And thanks for re-establishing my nickname."

"Asshole?"

"_Romeo_."

"So I'm not the first date you've had who has thought about killing herself after having met you. I thought not."

"No, you think little."

"And you think too much of yourself if you think I won't risk getting blood on my new boots."

"So violent, wherever did we go wrong with our little Serena?"

"Pissing her off was the first mistake-"

"And stopping the flow of food into her mouth was the second. As much as it's like watching a Hoover vacuum, it was safer being around you when you were eating. You were so much quieter."

"Well its midnight, where the hell could we eat? Don't tell me your wallet is so broken we're going to drive through Dendy's?"

"No it's recovering nicely, although you put my gold card on the critical list. I know a place that's open; it's only a couple blocks from here. They serve the best food in town."

"I shudder at any place you recommend but I'm hungry so whatever."

"I can't believe you're still hungry, do you have a tape worm or something?"

"No, do you have a death wish?"

"Have you ever thought of anger management classes?"

"Have you ever thought of shutting the hell up?"

"You're really "lucky you're so hot, because if all you had was personality

"And you're lucky you're Mr. Personality!"

"Nice try, if I recall in a previous encounter, you already said you thought I was hot."

"Cute. Hot is reserved for Fast and the Furious' Vin Diesel, you're in the category with the cast of Dawson's Creek."

"I'd rather be Mr. Personality then one of those rejects. Unless you mean Pacey because according to my sister he ain't bad."

"I shudder at the fact that you actually know their names. I forgot to ask, are you gay?"

""No. You?"

"No. Homophobic?"

"Favorite aunt is gay, you?"

"I'm a fag hag."

"A _what_?"

"Almost every guy friend I have is gay. We hang out all the time, go clubbing. Friendships with straight guys never last long for me."

"Why is that?"

"Well, usually the guy gets a crush on me, I say forget it, and they act like major asses until I just cut them off completely. I don't date friends, there's a line there that I just don't believe in crossing."

"For the record, I don't want to be your friend Meatball Head."

"At the rate you're going, you couldn't even be my bitch. What's with the name is that the best insult you have, my damn hair isn't even up anymore!"

"Well other then your stomach being replaced with a garbage disposal, there isn't really anything to insult you with."

"Well despite my stunning beauty and awesome personality, I still manage to give my friends loads of ammunition."

"Like what?"

"I hate school, I think people who hurt animals should have their sexual organs removed so they don't breed a future race of giant pricks, I can't stand the color purple but I loved the book, I can't tolerate girls who pretend they have no appetite to impress guys, I can't stand guys who think that acting like assholes is an attractive trait, if there is something on the ground, doesn't matter how big, I will somehow manage to trip over it, and when I sing, which I will, I sound like a dying crow. Your turn: turn-offs, stupid things you do."

"Okay, I love school, I have giant feet, some say rival Big Foots, I think people who commit should be committed, I can't stand girls who act like they're stupid to get my attention, I can't stand guys who think because I'm smart I can't throw a punch, I'm too quick in correcting them, I'm addicted to chocolate, I broke my finger when I lost a fight with a car door last year, I broke my toe when I lost a fight to the same car door ten seconds later, and I can't keep my foot out of my mouth around beautiful girls I'm attracted too."

Okay so how do you answer that? I mean a gorgeous guy tells you the sweetest thing you'll ever want to hear; that you make him tongue-tied, and he throws in a great compliment too! How ever do you respond?

If you didn't guess that I kissed him, you're too damn slow to be reading this.

Okay so now you're up to speed with me. I have just given you a flashback within the time that I put my lips on his. And can I just say **WOW** does this man no how to kiss! It felt like time stopped. Which technically it did so I could rather lengthily tell you how this came to be. Now help me **THINK**! I mean this guy was a complete asshole when I first met him. He insulted me without knowing anything about me, he made fun of my beautiful hair, and he said my mother was Satan! Comments which, had he been shorter, would have gotten the tip of my high heel lodged up his ass. So does one sweet compliment make up for all his fuck-ups? I've never been forgiving before; why the hell should I start now?

Another question is maturity level? I mean he went straight for the sandbox tried and true: _call her names, pull her hair, and run_! Is this how he always is? I mean I'm kissing him and it's great but what then? What if he proves to not be able to step out of the sandbox and acts like a jackass all the time except when he gets those small moments of insight that tell him to shut the fuck up? I don't want to end up dating a guy who is fine as hell, but has the emotional maturity level of a box of legos! I don't want to be 'Mommy' in a relationship, and eew eew! Now I'm thinking Oedipus and I'm hyperventilating! We're still kissing; _I'm hyperventilating in my head! How the fuck do you hyperventilate in your head? I need a paper bag, somebody get me a paper bag; are the walls shrinking! _Okay ya know what, this just isn't worth it! Fuck it; I gotta cut him loose for my own sanity's sake, but he tastes _so good_, focus Serena! Now what do I do when I want to drop a guy after just kissing him? Oh,noI could-no this is lame; an oldie but a goodie. But it'll always do in a pinch. Commence operation: **That Bitch Crazy!**

SMACK!

"What the hell was that for?"

"For using a line on me that you knew would work!"

"Isn't that the point of a line? Put your arm dow-"

THWACK!

"Stop hitting me dammit, do you have a screw loose?"

"I can't believe I let you kiss me!"

"Who kissed who, you're lips assaulted mine, I was an innocent bystander!"

"Yeah right, Charles Manson has a better shot with that excuse then you do! Did you forget that you interrupted and ruined my date with Andrew?"

"_You_ seemed to forget it when you were kissing me!"

"This is so typical, just like every other guy you were only being nice to try to get into my pants!"

"You're not even _wearing_ pants, and even if I was being 'like every other guy' you were being like every other girl! You trick guys into corny lines because it gives you an excuse to do what you wanted to do in the first place!"

"That is total bullshit!"

"You kissed me!"

"You kissed me back!"

"And I would've kept it up if you hadn't gone all Carrie on me!"

"This conversation is over!"

"This wasn't a conversation, it was a fucking fight, and you're running away because you don't wanna deal!"

"Deal with what?"

"That you like me, and you like kissing me; you're just too chicken shit to admit it!"

"How's the air on your planet, is it made out of _stupid_!"

"No, how's the air in the insane asylum you escaped from!"

"Wonderful! I think I'll be getting back to it, goodbye!"

"Whatever!"

And that's how I left it. I walked away with my head held high; tripping only once, and I practically ran around the corner to put as much distance between us as possible. I started walking toward my car but then I realized I didn't bring it!something Andrew was my ride and we walked from the restaurant! _DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!_ Okay, so I pulled out my cell phone and proceeded to beg a ride off of Rei.

Oh you don't know her. Oh shit, I forgot this part. I didn't intro. Rei, well basically I didn'tbecause feel like it. I mean none of my friends have come in to the story yet. There's like, one, two, three, four_five_ of them, there's _five_ of them, I don't want to have to describe them all. This story isn't even about them. Although Ithey do have a couple key parts Ohguess I can't leave out their profiles dammit, okay fine here's the tall and short on Rei; the others I'll do when they come in more later:

Rei: black hair, lavender eyes (so pretty, one in like a thousand has that color did you know that?), about 5'8, fab legs, medium rack. Personality Rei is a bitch.wise: Well I'm talking _way above me_; this girl transcends all other levels of bitchdom. I mean, Catherine from Cruel Intentions called her and said 'you couldn't be a little nicer?' That is the level she is on, she made her _own_ level. But Rei gets away with it because she is like that with everyone. Brutally honest. Her grandfather takes a swing at her like daily, because she just will not hold her opinion. If you have a bad hair day, _stay home_, because she will make you _cry_. (And I was not being a baby, she is that mean!) She's also incredibly smart and way beautiful. She's going to Brown on a full scholarship to study different religions in the fall. When she comes back to Tokyo, she'll take over the Shinto shrine her grandfather runs. Okay, that's all I'm saying about her because I'm still pissed about the hair thing (How could you Rei, you _knew_ I was wearing that hat that day for a reason!) Now on with the cell call.

"Rei?"

"I'm busy, what do you want?"

"I need a ride."

"I thought you had a date? You know the blonde guy with the tight ass? Where is he, make him take you home?"

"A lot happened. I losttrackofhimandendeduponadatewithadifferentguy."kind of

"You little skink. Well, too bad, I'm busy right now and can't come get you."

"What the hell are you doing that you can't come get your best friend in the middle of the creepy night?"

"I just finished painting my big toe, and have, as you know, 9 more to go. I can't possibly move a pedal."

So let the other piggies wait and come get me when the big T dries!"

"I could do that, but I don't want to. Your dumbass should've thought of a back up plan before you decided to play 'switch-a-hottie.' Then you wouldn't be in this situation. I suggest you phone home E.T. because this is one princess who isn't moving."

See what did I say? She's the uber-bitch!

"How can you leave me out here!"

"You left your self out there, I told you to take separate cars on a first date, but does Serena listen? **No**, because Serena has her head stuck up her ass and doesn't listen to her more sensible friends! It's just like when you got that horrible hair cut-"

CLICK

Okay, so I need to rethink my choice of best friends. And I need a ride _home_! I wouldn't have even called her except I know my other friends are in cooking class, the Internet, or modeling lessons! I guess I'm calling my mom. Dammit, she's going to nag me the entire way home! I can actually hear her bitching:

"Serena what were you thinking, going out with some boy you hardly know and then ditching him for a guy you _really_ don't know, and who you were fighting with just the other day? Not only that, but you let the first one ditch you and the second one, well you just walked your ass away from that car! Does common sense ever enter into _anything_ you do? Does wisdom skip a generation or do you just tuck it back behind your extensive vocabulary of swear words!" What are you going to do when you go away to university and I'm not there to ?pick you up, and coddle you, and Blah blah blah."

Yeah it'll just keep going like that ALL THE WAY HOME, so I'll let you skip that fun filled diatribe and take a short recess while I get bitched out.

Okay, why don't mothers come with mute buttons? We could at least get fast forward or change channel. That would've sounded so much nicer in Portuguese. Or I could've laughed during mute because my mom flaps her arms like a chicken trying to take flight when she really gets going. By the way, how I imagined it in my head_So_ much nicer then what I actually got! Moving on

So after the least fun Saturday I have had since I got grounded for when my Aunt Amber told me, "You're not very lady-like Serena, with that mouth, I see why you can't keep a boyfriend," and I answered with, "Please, I'm sixteen and you're like forty who should be worried in this scenario?" I had a rather uneventful Sunday. Basically, I stayed home and hid from my friends. Why would I do that when friends tend to comfort you in times of sadness? I don't _have_ those kinds of friends. I have the, 'Serena, here is where you fucked up," friends that are just oh so special. They _are_ cool; I wouldn't be with them if they weren't. I guess they're just too much like me. Blunt and brutally honest.

I don't have the type of friends who lie to make you feel better or who embellish my traits to help save my ego. And I'm glad because I never wanted those. But when your best friend looks at you and says, "Wow, that top makes your tits look lopsided, what were you smoking when you bought it?" see _that's_ when you start rethinking friendships. Or how about when they say, "Serena, I'd a dumped your skankin' ass for cheating on me too! You're supposed to be the 'girl next door', not a Playboy bunny, guys don't tend to like it when the girl next door is dating every guy on the damn block!"

DON'T ASK. I might try to explain that in another story but just don't ask.

So, I'm screwed! I have to go to this thing at Rei's temple, or, not only will she dismember me, she'll never let me hear the end of it. And I'm _still_ doing penance for when I dated her brother (this is NEVER a good idea ladies, it will always bite you in the ass). So I got dressed, put on my headphones, and cranked up Utadi Hikaru in an attempt to drown out my mother while I consumed half a box of donuts, thus leaving room for the honey and strawberry smoothie I was going to stop for on the way. Don't say shit, it's a long walk. So bedecked in a pair of studded jeans and a violet halter, I walked my ass to Mr. Coffee and got ready to drink my little piece of sugared heaven. But I didn't get my drink? _Oh no_. Because the gods hate me, and God isn't that fond of me either, and they couldn't allow me to slip into a sugar coma before I was caught in an episode of **_When Friends Attack_**. Why am I freaking out? _DARIEN WAS IN THERE!_ And I don't know what he was doing, but_ it looked like he was drinking coffee. _How dare he be here this is my shop! Mine Mine Mine! And he's not even drinking anything good! Well, all things considered, I think I handled the situation very maturely.

I ran like I stole something.

Okay, now I must think about this calmly and rationally. I really wanted that smoothie! Maybe Lita will make one for me! No, she'll be to busy grilling me. Oh why did he suddenly decide that he had to drink coffee right there? Why can't he be like most college boys and still be asleep at 1 in the afternoon? Or at least be so hung over he couldn't tell the difference between me and a coat rack. Lord help me. I go off to face the lions. And I don't even get to do it on a sugar high! And, yes, in case you're wondering, this _is_ how I think.

So I walked into the temple, deprived of my sweet and hungry as hell. I was ready and raring for battle!

"Serena I bought a dozen crullers, you want?"

Okay battle postponed, FOOD! There are days I really wonder why I don't movingweigh as much as a hippo on.

"Goddess bless Mina, I'm starving."

"Yeah right Serena, starving for you is only eating enough for a family of 4 instead of the usual family of 15."

"If you think I was overcome with amnesia and don't remember your ass refusing to come get me last night Rei, someone beat you with the stupid stick, instead of the usual _ugly_."

"Sweetie, who are you kidding, we all _know_ I'm fine. I mean _look_ at this ass."

"Yes Rei, its bootylicious, now will you fucking pay attention."

Thank you Lita, I always knew you'd protect me!

" We haven't even _started_ in on Serena for screwing up her date with that yummy blue eyed hunk, and you're already completely veering off topic!"

Okay Lita, I now officially hate you. Quick quick! Diversionary tactic! I've got it! Cue 'the psycho babble.'

"I don't see how this is any of your guys' business. We really invest too much attention into each others love lives, if we all could just learn to mind or own business and that it would be better for all if we did not interfere-"

"Oh Serena stuff it, when it's anybody but you you know you're the first one to start the coal raking. So get off that high horse before I slap you off of it."

I really need to get new friends.

"Thanks Rei, but I don't recall allowing you to exist. Oh, oops, poof, where'd she go, no one cares, moving on."

"Serena, you can't distract us from this, even I'm curious, what was wrong with Darien he seemed liked such a great guy?"

"Ami, not you too!"

"Serena you have Super-Brain, the Amazon, and Lady Lovely Locks over there shoving down crullers, all on this side. Not to mention the Queen of All Bitches, me. Inquiring minds demand to know, what the hell happened?"

Okay people get ready. You're going to hear an honest to God teenage girl lay her heart out.

"I don't know."

Yeah, wasn't as dramatic as you'd anticipated huh?

"What the hell do you mean you don't know?"

"Just what I said Lita, _I don't know_. I don't know why I ran out, I don't know why I freaked out, and I don't know why I came here when I knew you'd make me admit I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Oh Serena don't feel so bad, you rarely seem to know what you're doing."

"Yeah thanks Ami."

"No, I mean we're relatively young, why should we know the answers to everything guy related? If my mother understood my dad at all, they wouldn't have gotten divorced, because he sure as hell didn't get her. Relationships are complicated, especially the male/female mix. I mean I'm still single; I've had that crush on Greg all year and haven't gotten up the guts to breathe near him, let alone have a decent conversation with him that's not about quantum physics. At least you dated Darien before you ran like a rabbit, I ran before I could start anything up that I might need to run from."

"Technically we didn't date, we went on **a** date."

"Serena do you really want to get technical with me?"

"No I don't."

"Good girl."

"I still think she was chicken shit for running away like that, and stupid for expecting me to pick her ass up in the middle of the night."

Yeah, if you can't tell, Rei decided she couldn't shut the hell up anymore. Luckily for me, Ami the Analytical came to my rescue.

"Rei, stop acting like you're the dating guru. If I remember correctly, and I always do, I picked you up at 2 in the morning when your date took you to a rave, dropped acid, and then spent the entire night trying to pet your hair and calling you 'pwetty pixie.' So don't get all high and mighty on Serena when you're as dating-demented as everyone else."

"Ami I can't believe you remember that."

"Please, I remember everything; why else would you guys refer to me as 'Super Brain'. Even though I detest it."

(Mina) "Oh come on Ami, you _are_ a Super Brain, and everyone knows it. Besides, it's a nickname given by affection, what else would you like to be called?"

"Supreme Being?"

(Lita) "Honey you're smart, you aren't the _Fifth Element_. We'll come up with something better at a later date, can we stay focused please?"

"Fine. Serena what happened, how did you end up with Darien if you started out on a date with that blonde cutie?"

"His name's Andrew and it was all his fault-"

"Facts Serena, facts."

"Well, _fact is_, Andrew left me in the middle of dinner and took off with Darien's date-"

(Mina) "Darien was on a different date too? Wow this reads just like that American soap opera, 'The Young and the Chestless'."

Oh Lord. Silently we just stared at her. That is _until_

(Rei) "Oh my God you giant idiot! _Restless_, Young and the _Restless_! Someone please tell me why you aren't dead yet Mina, how do you manage to remember to breathe in and out or swallow?"

"Well someone overdosed on their Bitch prescription this morning. Remember Rei, a pill a day keeps the people away. An overdose gets you a broken nose _so watch it trick_!"

"Try it Mina."

"It's tempting, but we all know that we promised your grandfather no more cat fighting on temple grounds. The negative energy we create disrupts his meditation."

"You can remember that, but you can't remember _Restless_? I may be on a prescription, but you need Hooked on Phonics. Or a _TV Guide_, shit, get something."

"I'm about to get a chunk of that pretty hair if-"

(Lita) "Okay, next person to disrupt this spends the next few months consuming everything through a straw! **Do I make myself clear**?"

Mumbled yes' abounded.

(Lita) "We are going to hear Serena out, you are allowed to comment, but no tangents that have nothing to do with her date! Now, Serena get back on topic before I hit someone!"

"Okay, the date started a little dull, he refused to argue with me (everyone nodded, they know how I am) but then we got into it, the part of the movie we managed to see was crappy, it was just as well they kicked us out, and then we sat down to dinner and Darien showed up. We started arguing because I was pissed he was even there, and then after a while I looked over to Andrew and he'd taken off. He left with Rita-"

(Ami) "Wait, who's Rita?"

"She was Darien's date. It turned out they all knew each other from classes at the University."

"Rita Wasami?"

"I don't know, why would you know her? Lita stop growling, this does involve my date."

"She's in my advanced calculus class, she's really sweet Serena I hope you were nice."

"I was perfectly sociable, besides I barely spoke to her since I was arguing with Darien. Anyway, so Andrew and Rita took off, leaving me alone with Mighty-Mouth. So then we started screaming at each other full tilt, and suddenly we were walking to Baskin Robbins."

(Mina) "Serena, I think it's adorable that any fight can be forgotten by you at the scent of a sweet."

"Well, this is one time I wished it hadn't. Although I was really pissed, and didn't get to eat my dinner _so_"

(Rei) After you made the boy go broke over toppings alone, then what happened?"

"We went walking-"

(Lita) "You were still hungry weren't you?"

Maybe.""

(Lita) "That's our garbage disposal!"

"So we were walking to this restaurant he knew with great food, no I don't know which one Lita and we started seriously talking."

(Ami) "But you never want to do that on dates."

"I know, I was confused too. We were telling our pos/neg traits when he did this really sweet line that actually made me wanna go 'Aw'. So I kissed him."

(Mina) "I'm not seeing how this ended badly, what, was he a shitty kisser or something?"

"God no! He was great, but the way we met."

Group "Oh."

"I mean he was so rude the first time I met him. To just walk up and insult me! Rei, at least, introduced herself politely, before proving herself a giant shrew."

(Rei) "You are so lucky I'm afraid of Lita."

(Ami) "Serena, you aren't like most girls. I mean they try to ignore their date's defects and then rake them over the coals to their girlfriends later. You rake them to their faces. That's rare, and often scary. Maybe you should try to think why you don't want a guy exactly like you."

"He is not exactly like me!"

(Mina) "Actually that _does_ make a lot of sense. I mean think about it Serena, he's rude, abrasive, gorgeous; he's the male black haired version of you. At least personality wise, you didn't mention his appetite, but I'm betting that he doesn't hold a candle to you there."

"Yeah thanks Mina. I'm not rude!"

They all just silently stared at me, pissing me off all the more.

"Oh, fuck all of you."

(Lita) "Serena, are you going to apologize to the boy or not?"

"Hell no! Not only would that be extremely humiliating, all I did was run away from an unhealthy relationship. If he's exactly like me, like you seem to think, we'd be a match made in hell!"

(Ami) "Well Serena if you thought about it, if he's got your personality, he does have some positive traits."

"Like what, according to you people I'm only second to Countess Bitchella over there."

(Rei) "Look Kujo, as much as I might want to put my high heel up your ass right now; they're right, you have some nice non-annoying things about you. Although you rarely choose to use them with us."

"Such as?"

(Ami) "You're sweet and funny, you don't make fun of things people can't help, no Rei, you don't count; you could help being a bitch. And you may not be book smart, but you're definitely street "smart and

(Lita) "And you're always there to help when one of us really needs you, you never flake on _purpose_, you try to protect us, you aren't afraid to try new things, although sometimes you should when they involve fire-"

(Mina) "You support us when we do things that are important to us; you're "andthe one we turn to when we need to cheer up, and

(Rei) "And despite what we may say in the heat of the moment, you're still there for us. If you're lucky, Darien definitely has that last trait."

Wow my friends actually like me. Who'd a thunk it!

"Thanks you you guys, that's so sweet! Group hug!"

(Lita) "We love you. But don't get confused we aren't the damn Brady Bunch."

"Duly noted."

(Lita) "So how are you going to apologize?"

"I "don't know, I mean I never do

(Mina) "Well when is the last time you apologized to someone?"

"When there wasn't a lawsuit pending? It's been a while."

(Ami) "Well which Op. did you use?"

Wait, what does she mean, I never told them about that? Okay, play the role you seem to have been born for Serena. Stupid.

"Op.?"

(Mina) "Serena don't be dumb, we all know about your 'Operations' to get out of a bad situation with a guy. You didn't use Operation Nutcracker did you? Because if so, send him an ice pack in the mail and forget it. I don't think guys forgive for needing a testicle retrieval operation."

(Lita) "Or Operation Lizzie, when you keep talking about Lizzie Borden and making chopping motions with your hand and laughing. By the way, that works really well, I now have a sure fire tactic to get rid of my dad's friends when they're gross enough to hit on me. He was _really_ pissed when I broke the last one's fingers."

(Mina) "Does he not notice they hit on you or something?"

(Lita) "He doesn't mean too, but he's really stupid about sexual chemistry or heat or anything really. I mean, my mom is the one who pursued him and she had to flash him to get his attention out of, what we now all call, 'Those Damn Psychology Books.' He thinks it's just me being conceited; some teenybopper bid for attention and I'm willing to go along with that. That is until they try to touch me. Then they die.

( Ami) "How exactly did you break his fingers? Judo and kick boxing aside, it takes effort to break every finger and it's really hard to do them all consecutively. How'd you do it?"

"Well I _may_ have been holding a cast iron skillet and his hand _perhaps_ was lying flat on the counter, and there's a _possibility_ that I slammed it down as hard as I could on the counter, _perchance_ not noticing his hand was right where I slammed it. But it was all _such a blur_!"

"Wow I can't help but notice, that conversation had nothing to do with me. Focus people! You guys seem to have more of an interest in me "hooking up with Darien then I do, and if you want it to happen

(Rei) "Oh please, you know you've wanted to jump on top or under that boy since the first day you met him. Who the hell are you fooling? Aside from hiding behind you in a bush and giving you the words verbatim, what good could we do?"

Then I just got the most brilliant idea ever! The Evil Bitchmaster of Death had a very good point. I can't let them stand behind a bush and recite it to me line for line; there are too many of them, Japan is the land of small shrubbery. But if I happen to be wired so they could hear everything I said and everything he said, well I can't help it if that works both ways and I can hear their comments. All hail the beautiful brilliant girl with the maniacal expression on her face! _I rule, I'm the queen, I kick ass, oh yeah, _oh wait, focus Serena, they have to agree to your brilliant plan before you can officially do the happy dance. But my friends love me, as they previously stated by listing all my awesome traits. They'll agree. Just give me a sec to run it by them.

(Everyone but me) "**NO!**"

Okay, so plan B.

"Why don't you guys talk to him for me? I mean we've already spoken; _it's clear that never works out well_. You could be the middleman, tell him I'm sorry and that I'd like to try going out on a date with him and have it be on purpose. Oh! And I won't hit him anymore! That's a given."

Silence for a second and then-

All right, just about now they are all yelling at me simultaneously, so I'm going to let you skip that. It's basically just a lot of "What the hell are you thinking's" and a "You're 18, not 8" and yelling at me wouldn't be complete without a "You better be joking, because I seriously want to hurt you right now." That last one was Lita if you didn't realize it.

So it's been decided that I will be walked over to Darien's apartment, escorted up the elevator, and dropped on his doorstop, where the best my friends could give me was a doorbell ditch. Only I don't get to ditch. Got to love that moral support.

Pray for me?

**Ending Author's Note: **

**That's it for chapter 3! I hope you liked it. I figure the more reviews I get, the longer the chapters get. That seems fair right? And this appeared again because I needed to make some corrections that a reviewer noticed for me. I'll update soon, I hope everyone remembered to vote Nov 8th! And if you want other fun stories check out my favorites; there are some great Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, Gilmore Girls & Smallville writers on this site. Peace... **


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: What's up all! It's approaching midterm time so I'll be going on a brief hiatus to have a brain aneurysm, but I thought I'd leave ya a little something before the coma overtakes me. Anyone ever seen Pride and Prejudice? I'm talking the PBS 6 hour faithful following of the book' version. If not, rent it, once you get passed the hour of introducing all the characters, it rocks. And tonight I am taking a break from higher learning to drag my friends to the Keira Knightley version. Here's hoping it doesn't suck!**

**Oh! I saw Harry Potter Thursday night at midnight, 'cause I'm a dork, and it fucking rocks! They even kept my favorite part, which I figured they'd cut (when Fred or George ask Angelina to the ball) with some major alterations but it's still funny as hell. Though the audience… I'm in college, you're aware, and I know that even at midnight it was a mixed crowd and there were probably some youngins but dude, people were whistling and hooting at our main three! Eew, Old Heads! They're cute kids but come on people, that's just a little icky. **

**Anywho, everyone enjoy his or her Thanksgiving break, hope you have fun, Lord knows I'm insisting on it, and BE GOOD! Muah! . **

**_-DestinyManifested_**

**Disclaimer: I own things! None of the things mentioned in this particular work of fiction but I own things! I do! Don't believe me? Yeah, me either. I don't own Sailor Moon, any of the characters, Ex-lax, Eminem, The Dixie Chicks, or any other clothing or pop culture references referred to here in. **

**. Happy Reading**

**All Men Are JERKS**

By _DestinyManifested_

**Chapter Four: Less is More (But In This Case, It's Just Less)**

I would just like to point out that I'm doing this all under duress. If Rei didn't have those freaky ass birds and Lita wasn't the world's only living Amazon, this would not be happening right now. If Mina didn't have great aim with a steel tipped stiletto and Ami didn't hold my scholarly future in her little bitty hands, I would be home singing along to "_I Think My Dad's Gone Crazy_." But no, _they _are all in my room and _I _am in the shower; trying unsuccessfully to drown myself, while they pick out my groveling outfit. And what is the song coming out of my speakers? "**_Earl Had to Die_**!" What self-respecting Japanese girl listens to _country music_? None! Want to know why? Because it sucks! I mean the Dixie Chicks aren't that bad, I like that "_Wide Open Spaces_" song, but most country music is some whiny ass loser bitching about how his wife ran off and took his truck/trailer park/or dog, with her! Who cares! I listen to Eminem; he's funny, he has great rhymes, and his songs aren't about the same damn thing over and over like that country crap. To male country music artists everywhere: FIND A NEW SHTICK YOU WHINY BASTARDS! DON'T BITCH IF SHE STOLE YOUR DOG, BITCH IF SHE ATE HIM! IF YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING NEW, GET KIDNAPPED SO SOME NEW SHIT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! Okay, I'm calm now, and this drowning thing is harder then it looked. So I guess I should just give up and face my executioners.

Okay the outfit they picked, in the words of Chandler Bing: _Oh. My. God_.

"So I see you've succeeded in finding me an outfit fit for a _street walker_."

Oh my Lord, you should see this outfit.

(Rei) "We're doing you a favor. The less cloth, the shorter the apology. Besides, it's cute."

Cute! It's a white spandex thing with a big ass dip in the front and a dark blue thing with a hemline that would fall just below my ass! It's a white body suit with a dark blue micro-mini skirt and some red go-go boots! Who the hell would wear this! I'd look like I was trying to be Captain America's Bitch!

"He's going to think I'm going to _charge him_!"

(Mina) "Hey, once you get in the place, it's up to you where the night goes."

"It's not going far, because I'm not going anywhere dressed like the American flag whore!"

(Lita) "What's wrong with the outfit?"

"Nothing if my name was Kiki Monroe! Do I look like a porn star to you? No one but Ami is allowed to answer that!"

(Ami) "I've seen you where worse stuff then this Serena, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that I'm offering my _forgiveness_, not my _ass_! If you think I'm wearing that you've all become really good friends with Mary Jane because it's not happening!"

(Rei) "I can't believe that you of all people are chickening out on this. Darien is gorgeous, smart, funny, and successful. We all know he'd see this outfit eventually. At least if he were kind of kinky. So its a couple anniversary dates early, so what?"

"I cannot apologize to him in that, not only would I feel like a slut, he'll think I _am _one!"

(Lita) "Fine, we'll let you pick something out, but we all have to like it. And hurry the hell up, we want this all taken care of before Boston Public comes on."

So I was left with the responsibility of picking out my outfit. Can I just say, **Thank God!** My friends where trying to make me look like I was auditioning for a job as a concubine, or for Sharon Stone's understudy in Basic Instinct; not much of a stretch. I mean, yes, they were dressing me out of my own closet, but I don't wear any of those things all together. I mean there was that time I got wasted and-NEVERMIND! So the final outfit elimination process began.

(Long black dress)

(Mina) "He can't see anything, where the hell are your legs?"

"Again, I'm s_orry_, not s_lutty_."

(Rei) "After what you pulled you should show up at his door wearing a thong and a smile."

"When I want your opinion Rei I'll give it to you."

(Short gray skirt, white glitter halter top)

(Ami) "You aren't going dancing afterwards are you?"

"Make up your damn minds! This is as low or as short as I'm willing to go!"

"Oh we all know that's not true."

"Rei, I swear to God-"

(Jeans and white peasant top)

(Lita) "Can I borrow that top?"

"Not if I'm wearing it over to his house."

"Okay, it looks stupid give it to me."

"Lita!"

(Ami) Tell ya what Sere; we'll give you a couple of hours to think about what you want to say, and wear, and then come back and get you."

"You trust me to think before I speak? Where have you been the entire span of our friendship Ames?"

(Ami) "I think you like this boy and our being gone may help you think of something to say that will come from your heart, as opposed to your mouth. We all know that runs on automatic pilot."

"Thanks. I think."

"Serena, you need to come off as apologetic. Sweet. Virginal even-"

"If she's a virgin, I'm the Pope!"

"Stuff it Rei!"

"Serena didn't come off as a virgin when she was one! _Now_-"

"Oh shut up, you should talk!"

"Besides why should she pretend to be all sugary sweet, that isn't her?"

"Gee thanks Lita."

"Bitch I'm defending you, shut the hell up. I mean come on Mina, changing yourself to suit a guy never works, you just end up pissed for having to pretend to be something I'm not."

I'm not?

"Lita when did you-?"

"My old boyfriend liked meek little girly girls and to catch him, I played along."

"You're almost 6'1; _Mike Tyson_ is more of a girly girl then you!"

"Quiet cow, I'm telling a story! So I went along with it until I just couldn't take it anymore and started behaving normally. So he dumped me for not being his cute little stereotype and I baked him an Ex-lax cake, and we all lived happily ever after. Never fuck with a chef."

"Damn straight!"

"Yeah! Ami, since when do you support male sexism? You're being awfully quiet over there."

"I don't! I am against male misogyny, but I don't want to support any myth, be it the Bitch or the Virgin!"

(Mina) "But why not play off that male stupidity and use it to your advantage?"

"But propagating that myth; you can't get mad when guys act like idiots if you pretended at one time to be one! You're helping them believe their assholishness was okay. That's why men spend half their lives confused and the other half paying alimony; they don't know what women want because they don't know who we are".

"Yeah Mina, don't propagate the Sailor Moon myth."

"Sailor Moon myth?"

"You know the ditz who can't tie her own shoe but has hearts in her eyes will always get the dream guy because she's so innocent and pure. Men may die for that crap, but women die from it. I'd rather be thought of as the Bitch, then thought of as the Virgin. Even if I am one, I don't like the stereotypes that go along with it. I believe in being sweet on those rare occasions that I feel like it."

"Don't worry Rei, we all think of you as a giant bitch. Your rep is safe. _Can we get back to me_?"

"Oh shut up. We're single why don't you ask a woman who _has_ a man and has had him for more then a year."

"Do we know such a woman?"

"You do. Your mother stupid!"

"Oh yeah."

"So, let me get this straight, you guys are admitting you were no help whatsoever and are leaving?"

"No, we're admitting you are beyond help and are going to go to the Shrine to watch Anime re-runs."

"Inuyasha is more important to you guys then my love life?"

"Don't forget Cowboy Bebop!"

"Bitch."

"Love you too!"

And so, I was abandoned when I needed them most. I make it sound like they left me at the hospital with a collapsed lung. Okay; technically, they abandoned me when they couldn't help me in the least. That better?

Okay so how do I approach him? The way the girls look at it is that I have a few options. In Ami's opinion, I can apologize profusely and ask him out to an apology dinner. Now I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like begging. I don't do begging, so scratch that. Lita suggested that I write an apology letter and offer to make him dinner. Now to me this sounds like begging _and_ looking for a murder conviction all at once. I make people sign wavers before I allow them to eat anything I make. I can kill you cooking Easy Mac'. Rei suggested I just show up looking amazing and act like the whole thing never happened and be flirtatious. This would work, maybe, but I'm too worried he'll just think I'm a beautiful schizophrenic.

So what the hell am I going to do? You won't believe this, but I did what they suggested and actually tried asking a woman who actually _has _a man. My mother.

I'm kinda doomed aren't I?

_End of Chapter Four_

**Author's Note: So I hope you liked your mini chapter all gift wrapped for Thanksgiving. Ah hell, I'm busy like a big dog, be happy I did any bloody thing. So, as always, the more reviews the longer the chapters (that's why this one is kinda teeny, y'all fell down on the reviewing, do you not love me anymore:SOB:). I give a decent guilt trip right? That's a hint for next chapter which you'll see sooner if I get reviews (these aren't subtle hints people, come on now). Happy Turkey/Tofurkey Day!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Hey All! I hope everyone had a chill Thanksgiving. Mine was good, my crazy auntie now refuses to leave our house and I'm about to hit her upside the head and lock her in a closet, but other then that, fun was had by all. Maybe it's just my family, do y'all have a family member that just embarrasses the hell out of you 'because they seem a bit…off? Not like "_Heeerrrreee's Johnny_!" off; more like "Who the hell are you talking too?" crazy? Anyway, ignore my prattle, here is Chapter 5, and thank you so much to '_nadja_', you're my bestest review so far:Beams: Not that I don't love all my reviewers, you guys are so great and inspire me to keep posting and keep writing. Blessings .**

**11/29/05: Oh shit, I forgot the disclaimer. **

**_Disclaimer_: You know I own nothing. I know I own nothing. Now while I go sit in a corner and quietly cry, you read my story and leave me a review so I feel less pitiful. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko and 'Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair' is still owned by Whoopi Goldberg. I think. Or did it go out of business? Either way, it's not mine. Nor are any other name brand pop culture references that may be in here (_Heaven's Wedding Gown_, _Dawson's Creek_, 'Lady Marmalade', etc…). I also don't own that line of Jack Nicholson's; I believe it's from _The Shining_, or if you watch _The Simpson's_ "The Shinin'". **

**All Men Are JERKS**

**By DestinyManifested**

_**Recap of Chapter 4:**_

Okay so how do I approach him? The way the girls look at it is that I have a few options. In Ami's opinion, I can apologize profusely and ask him out to an apology dinner. Now I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like begging. I don't do begging, so scratch that. Lita suggested that I write an apology letter and offer to make him dinner. Now to me this sounds like begging _and_ looking for a murder conviction all at once. I make people sign wavers before I allow them to eat anything I make. I can kill you cooking Easy Mac'. Rei suggested I just show up looking amazing and act like the whole thing never happened and be flirtatious. This would work, maybe, but I'm too worried he'll just think I'm a beautiful schizophrenic.

So what the hell am I going to do? You won't believe this, but I did what they suggested and actually tried asking a woman who actually _has _a man. My mother. Pray for me.

_**Chapter 5: Mama Said…Some Stuff**_

"Hi mom!"

"Hi hon, how did you do on your French test?"

Ah fuck.

"Mom I had a question to ask you."

"That's great dear, what did you get on your test? That one you spent all last Thursday night studying for at Rei's?"

Riiiiight. She means that Thursday that was started by Ami as "study night" and ended up as a _Heaven's Wedding Gown_ DVD-athon thanks to, well, everyone else. So the next day I ended up playing heads or tails on all the true/false questions and answering all the sentences with French words I've heard in songs and movies. Which resulted in detention since my teacher thought I was hitting on the T.A. for a better grade (In my defense, I did NOT know what the lyrics to Lady Marmalade meant! I mean come on I don't know _French_!). Okay, I need an excuse, a diversion, a- SAMMY!

"Sammy! Look mom it's Sammy! We love Sammy; let's talk to Sammy! Hi Sammy!"

Okay, I know my brother is an annoying little putz who spends half his life vexing me and the other half with me using his head as a soccer ball, but occasionally, he has been known to be useful. These times happen as often as a total eclipse of the sun, but the time for him to be useful is now! So come on Sammy! Save me!

"I heard from my friend that you bombed your French test Ditz. How bad did you do?"

Okay, it's PUNTING TIME!

"Shut up you little amoeba! How do you even know, your not even in my grade!"

"My friend is your French T.A. doofus. By the way, he told me to mention that if that offer you made was still good he'll call you on Saturday. What offer exactly?

"Eeew! Shut up spore!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE FAILED! YOU SAID YOU STUDIED! IF THERE ISN'T A MAKE-UP TEST I'M GONNA-"

"There **is** Mom; I promise I'll try even harder on this one!"

Or ya know, try at all.

"TRY! IF YOU GET BELOW AN **A** ON THAT TEST SAMMY IS OUR ONLY CHANCE FOR GRANDCHILDREN BECAUSE YOU'LL BE GROUNDED SO LONG YOU'LL NEED BOTOX! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR YOUNG LADY?"

"Yes Drill Serg_eant_!"

"Oh shut up."

Thank God my mom can be defused with laughter, or I would have long since been a chalk outline on the floor. And Sammy is lucky he has strong lungs and we have weak pillows or I'd try death by asphyxiation tonight. Little stool pigeon.

"Mom, are you gonna let her get by without telling you the actual grade?"

Soon to be a little dead pigeon with its little body flushed down the toilet.

"Shut up Sammy! Ya know, I can't wait to watch Buffy tonight."

Sorry, I forgot to fill you in. This is big sister talk for "Expect an Ass-kicking Later You Little Shit." At this, my brother did what he'll be spending a good deal of later on tonight doing; he ran like a little bitch.

"Mom I'm spending the night at Niko's, see ya later!" SLAM!

Ya know, sometimes it just feels good to be me.

"So what was the grade?"

But then reality sets in and I realize why exactly it sucks.

"Grades, what's really important about grades in the grand scheme of things mom? I mean, I could go out tomorrow, take a test and then get hit by a bus. In the end, did my grade on the test really matter?"

"Yes."

"It does not! Are you telling me when the police showed up at the door to tell you your only daughter was run down by a big rig, you'd interrupt sobbing to ask 'So did she pass her final'?"

"Honey, I don't intend for your headstone to read 'Here Lies Serena, She Got An A On Her Chem. Final" but I might ask for an autopsy to be done on your brain to mass how much potential you have because judging by your grades and how you sleep through half your damn classes, _I WON'T EVER KNOW OTHERWISE_!"

Whoa and there she blows!

"YOU'RE SUCH A SMART ASS ALL THE TIME, YOU'D THINK THE SMART WOULD REFLECT IN YOUR GRADES! YOU'RE IN ONE OF THE BEST SCHOOLS IN JAPAN AND YOU _BARELY_ BRING HOME C'S! WHY CAN'T YOU-"

Yeah, it just keeps going. Once she gets started she's like Speedy Gonzalez on speed. As always, I'll fast forward to save you the pain of this 20-minute rant monologue. If only I could save myself.

"MOM TAKE A BREATH SO THAT I CAN ASK YOU A QUESTION!"

"NICE TRY, BUT I'M NOT DONE YELLING AT YOU YET! IF YOU COULD JUST LEARN TO STAY FOCUSED! I DON'T UNDERSTAND-"

Oh my God! She's like the thing that wouldn't _shut up_!

"MOM I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!"

"WHAT!"

Okay maybe not the best way to try to change the subject!

"MOM CALM DOWN! I HAVE A LIFE ALTERING QUESTION THAT YOU MAY CARE TO HEAR!"

"LIKE THE TIME YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GETTING A SEX CHANGE OPERATION TO DISTRACT ME FROM THAT SUSPENSION! YOU COULD'VE PERMANANTLY DAMAGED THAT STUPID BOY BECAUSE YOU KICKED HIM IN THE-!"

"MOM HOW DID YOU MEET DADDY!"

"What do you want to know that for?"

For the God's sake, it worked! Thank God, I have very few blurbs as distractions during yelling fits and busting out with "I'M PREGNANT would've just made her knock me out with her skillet.

"I just wanna know how you knew dad was the one. Because I found _one_, and he's an asshole, but I can't stop thinking about him-"

"Was this the boy you ditched the other night?"

"Um. Kinda."

"If you liked him, then why did I have to come get you?"

"I don't know. I realized I might really like him"

"And you freaked? Yeah, I did something like that with your father."

"But you and dad are so cutesy and lovey dovey. I figured you knew right away that you were 'destined'. You know all that soul mate stuff."

"God no! Honey, it's never that simple. Life is full of pain in the ass complications, or existence wouldn't be so interesting. Your _father_ thought we were soul mates. I thought he was stalking me."

"What!"

"Well, it's not exactly the nicest way to put it, but your father was kind of a, well a library dork in high school. I mean, he was handsome and everything, but he read too many "How to Court a Lady" books that must've come from like circa 1920! He left me roses on my desk, which was sweet, but then they came with these little unsigned notes that were old English poetry translated in Japanese and what was supposed to be an endearment sounded like a death threat!"

"But mom we speak English, why didn't he just leave them in English."

"Because your father was an idiot in high school, despite being a brain and he thought that no one besides him and his friends had bothered learning English. Meanwhile, I'd been in English classes since I was in fifth grade! Well anyways, I started to get a little scared so I decided to catch him in the act of putting one of those notes on my locker and confront him. With a brick."

"You almost killed daddy?"

"No it didn't come to that. I got to school early and waited in the back of the classroom. Sure enough, here comes your father with a dozen red roses with a little card sticking out of it. I thought he was really cute but was still wondering if he had Hannibal tendencies and since I knew of him, but I didn't know him, I was still scared. So I had the brick in my bag and sprang out at him, demanding to know why he was threatening me! He jumped back and looked so terrified that I started laughing. Mind you, I was still going to hit him if necessary, but he looked like a startled deer and he was a foot taller then me! He turned bright red and then started stammering about how he liked me and wanted to go out with me. I asked him why he was threatening me if he liked me so much and he said that I was supposed to think the notes were romantic, not psychotic, and he must have botched the translation. I asked what they were supposed to say in English and he read them to me. I thought it was sweet so I agreed to go out on a date with him and the rest, for the most part, is history."

"For the most part?"

"Yeah, I'll tell you the rest if the need ever arises."

"Riiight. So, let me just bounce a hypothetical off of you. Let's say there was a guy. A gorgeous guy. An unbelievably gorgeous-"

"I get it honey, move on."

"Right right. So any who, this gorgeous guy, lets name him Bob-"

"Bob? You like a man named Bob?"

"No!"

"Well then let's name him something else."

"Okay, how about Terry?"

"Isn't Terry a girl's name?"

"Do you want to hear the story or not?"

"Fine fine, but we'll call him Bo."

"What the hell is the difference between Bo and Bob?"

"A B, and you swear again and you'll find out the difference between a foot and a yard."

"Sorry! So let's say _Bo_, for all his looks, was also very intelligent-"

"Marry Bo."

"Can I finish? Oi! Anyway, for all the looks and smarts, Bo was kind of an asshole when you first met him. He was rude and offensive and you got into a shouting match on, let's say a sidewalk-"

"Oh Lord, please don't tell me I'm the mother of the crazy blonde who screamed at everyone in the middle of downtown Tokyo last week?"

"No no no! I have more self control then that mother!"

Ha!

"So you fought with Bo and parted ways?"

"Yes, and then went out with someone else-"

"Is this the blonde young man whose car you dove into to avoid our properly meeting him?"

"A _proper meeting_ does not involve dad sitting there shining his one and only gun and asking my date if his car has a back seat! Anyways! So, I went out with, um, Andy? (get a nod) and I have a really nice time, surprisingly, but Andy abandons me in the restaurant! What guy does that?"

"Well, thinking of how you eat, did he abandon you before or after he got the bill?"

"Before mother, and thanks for making me sound like a giant pig!"

"Serena you are the reason we don't live in a mansion, you _literally_ eat us out of a nicer home. Now I know you can't help your appetite, I prefer you eat like a pig then a bird, but everyone's wallet has a limit. So he left you in the middle of the restaurant all by yourself? That's weird."

"Well...I wasn't alone _per se_. See Bo showed up and we started fighting, and when I turned back to Andy he was gone! It was so sudden!"

"Well how long were you and Bo arguing? A minute, a second...?"

"Um..."

"Serene how long did you have that boy standing there like a fool?"

"Well it wasn't my _entire_ fault! He was there too, and he knew Bo so I wasn't going to expect him to help me in the argument. And Bo's date ditched him too!"

"You were both on separate dates and your dates left together? Wow, bet you felt stupid."

"Mom!...Well, yeah."

"So how did you end up out with Bo? Usually you'd 1 2 punch him and storm off in a huff. Why'd you go out with him?"

"I don't know! I was hungry! It was food deprivation!"

"So after you broke Bo's wallet, what happened?"

"We were walking around outside and _talking_ for once, and it was nice and i was having fun and he said something really nice...and I kissed him."

"So where _is_ the problem? Did you have no chemistry?"

"Oh no, we had _that_, but I just started thinking about how we met and how immature he seemed...and I panicked."

"When you say 'panic', you mean-"

"I slapped him and walked off."

"Oh my God! Well, this saves me the effort of having to ask your brother what he read in your diary. You gave me a very limited info on the phone-"

"Only because you refused to come and get me unless I told you what happened!"

"Oh right."

Jes_US_!

"Serena...did you...feel anything? When you kissed Darien?"

"Yeah, that boy has the softest lips I've _ever_ kissed, and believe me, I have tried-"

"Serena finish that sentence and you're grounded! That isn't what I meant. I meant did you feel any emotions when you kissed this boy?"

"Um...okay I distinctly remember lus-...uh, _attraction_. And I don't know. It was weird, I felt all giddy and excited but I was so nervous. I just started thinking about all the bad that could come of kissing him...even if it was great."

"Oh sweetie! You're in love!"

What? _Who said love, I never said love, where is the love, **it's not here**_!

"What! Mom, it was _one _kiss! No one falls in love after one kiss! What is this _Dawson's Creek_?"

"It only took one between me and your father."

"But you're old! (Death glare, back up, _back up_!) I mean, it was _older_ times. If you kissed back then it meant you were as good as engaged. Come on, things have changed quite a bit. I mean, we have color TV and everything!"

"Right, and then your father had to give grandpa 2 pigs and a goat as my bride price. Honestly Serena, how the hell old do you think we are? Don't answer that! Fact is it doesn't take a marathon kissing session to realize you have feelings for someone. It only takes one moment. And do you see gray hairs or something, why do you always talk like I grew up in futile freaking Japan! Just wait until _you_ have children and they make _you _feel older then the-"

_Yeah it just keeps going_. Okay, is she right? Do I like him? I sure as hell don't love him; she was way off base there. I'm only 17, what the hell do I want with love? Love sucks the fun out of dating, guys can do it with no strings and so do I. This is _not_ me being bitter okay, I've never been in love, and this is just observation. Every time a cute guy walks by her, Lita compares him to her old boyfriend. For the God's sake don't ask her his name, that will warrant an ass kicking, but she gets this sappy, dreamy, _pukey_ expression on her face like she's fucking floating every time she talks about him. And then you see that crushed, coming down look when she realizes this guy she was so in love with ditched her for a reason that she won't tell you until you've passed out from the pain.

Rei, for all intents and purposes is a die hard bitch, and I love her for that, but the guy who works at her temple is totally in love with her and she _doesn't give a shit_! Every time she speaks to him, and usually she's screaming at him, he has this enraptured look of adoration that makes her feel, in her own words, 'Like she's kicking a mentally handicapped puppy'. Oh what a joy love is for her, she associates love with a giant guilt trip!

Amy is a total closet romantic; I have seen her get that wistful pained expression on her face whenever she sees couples walking hand in hand or stealing a smooch. But she is terrified of relationships; she just likes to watch the process. You know it too, we all do, it's _The Meeting, The Flirting, The Kissing, The Holding, The Suspicion, The Anger, The Yelling, The Dumping_. For Ami, I understand the obvious, 'because she's adorable and smart and could totally get a damn date if she wanted' avoidance. Once you've seen this process a few times over in your life, including your own parents, you'd be reluctant to smile and say 'date me!' too.

And Mina. Let us even _try _to watch a romance and by the time they have their first kiss, she'll excuse herself to have a meltdown in the bathroom. All I know was it was some ex-schmuck who obviously didn't know what he had, who left her for her supposed other best friend in England. We have all personally agreed to fly down there and beat him, and the little hoe, down. We could do it; Ami has enough frequent fliers to get us there and back. But Mina just smiles sadly and says they deserve their happiness and then she flashes her pearly whites at us and changes the subject. And we let her. I mean come on! _They deserve their happiness_? Who the **hell** says that when their best friend and boyfriend get it on? I say restraining order; those fuckers would need to put one out on me because if I ever thought I saw them, I'd fuck 'em up on sight. Doesn't matter when or where it was, every time I saw them we would have a misunderstanding. School, hospital, funeral, check out line, _I don't care_! My theory is if you hit them enough, they won't look like the people who betrayed you so you can get over it. I'm right with Lita on the ex-lax cake except raise it up a notch. They would need to join the witness protection program. And I'm not into the idea of having to follow Darien around in sunglasses and a wig to make sure he isn't hoeing around on me. That's too much time and we don't have a _Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair_.

I think it's just better if Darien and I cut our losses and let that last kiss and last slap be our parting memories of each other. I'm just too young right now, what do I want to bother with relationships for? I'm not getting married until my late twenties, I don't care if I'll need parts freeze dried, I will NOT be rushed into marriage! No one would try to push me anyway: Dad wants to keep me his innocent little girl forever (silly daddy too late), Mom wouldn't trust me in the care of children (OK, I only dropped Sammy on his head twice. That's good for a 5 year old! And he's paid me back for it with his very existence hasn't he?), and Sammy,well who cares what he thinks he's a tool. My friends are more complicated. I won't even go into the kid conversation. We all range from wanting none to 5. I won't tell you which one of them is which. You get the joy of picking from no humane to insane.

One sec the doorbell's ringing.

So anyway, I don't see any reason why this whole matter can't be dropped. Sorry I disturbed you, go back to your normal life, and get the hell out of mine. Bye! .

..

"Hey Meatball Head."

God hates me doesn't she?

**End of Chap. 5**

**Author's Note: So what did you think? Do you like it? If so, please review me, for I am an attention whore and compliments inspire me to go on to write more and do great things. Like, say, remembering to post in a more timely fashion. Kisses to you! Questions, commentary, whatever, review!**

**Oh! And I went movie crazy this weekend so some quick reviews. The Keira Knightley version of _P & P_, yeah, it didn't suck per say, but the 6 hour one is better. I saw _Unleashed_ with Jet Li (amazing) and _Saving Face_ which is also really great and I recommend 'em both for rentals. I also saw _Walk the Line_ which is about Johnny Cash. Reese Witherspoon is great in it, but it doesn't hold a candle to _Ray_, at least for me, his life was just more interesting and intense- the soundtrack rocks though. And I saw the beginning of _Ice Storm_ or some such thing with John Cusack (who I love) but it was boring and I ended up walking out to watch the end of Harry Potter again. And that's it for DM's movie reviews you never asked for. Laters. **

**And I don't know if it's necessary to state but I clearly own none of the above mentioned movie rights either, damn it, so there. **


	6. Chapter 6

10

**1/17/06 **

**Author's Note: Hey People! I'm sorry; I kind of disappeared on this story for a while huh? Well I've been doing stuff for my major and trying to graduate from college and go to an Ivy League for grad so you'll forgive. If not…fuck it, you try it and see how ya do. I also joined a dance troupe and that keeps me busy and tired as all hell. But I hope everyone had a great however many holidays happened while I was on hiatus. Now on with the show! .**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing though I do take credit for characters embracing certain personality traits that lay dormant during the manga/anime. Like the crazy and the cussing.**

_**All Men Are Jerks!**_

By DestinyManifested

Recap chapter 5:

I think it's just better if Darien and I cut our losses and let that last kiss and last slap be our parting memories of each other. I'm just too young right now, what do I want to bother with relationships for? I'm not getting married until my late twenties, I don't care if I'll need parts freeze dried, I will NOT be rushed into marriage! No one would try to push me anyway: Dad wants to keep me his innocent little girl forever (silly daddy too late), Mom wouldn't trust me in the care of children (OK, I only dropped Sammy on his head twice. That's good for a 5 year old! And he's paid me back for it with his very existence hasn't he?), and Sammywell who cares what he thinks he's a tool. My friendsI won't even go into the kid conversation. We all range from wanting none to 5. I won't tell you which one of them is which. You get the joy of picking from no humane to insane.

One sec the doorbell's ringingSo anyway, I don't see any reason why this whole matter can't be dropped. Sorry I disturbed you, go back to your normal life, and get the hell out of mine. Bye! .

..

"Hey Meatball Head."

God hates me doesn't she?

**End of Chapter 5**

Chapter 6: Meet the Parents or Run Stupid!

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Yes, this is as eloquent as I can get when I'm stupefied. What is he doing here? Last I saw him, my hand was still imprinted into the side of his cute little face and back up, _back up_! **No** cute! **Absolutely no cute**! Cute leads to talking, which leads to forgiving, which leads to kissing (because in my opinion there's no where else to go) and I need to nip this now! He has the emotional maturity of a gnat; he has the body of a _god_, but thAT MEANS NOTHING! Oh I am in serious trouble, I...I am standing here talking to myself while staring at him with a psychotic expression on my face. And he's backing away slowly...Hey I may not have to do anything! He'll run on his own. Oh wait, what's that? It smells like-

"Chocolates!"

snatch!

:SNARF SNARF GOBBLE SNARF:

Now, while I'm gorging he's talking, but over the mind numbing effect of chocolate to my taste buds, I'm not really processing what he's babbling about. Did he not see me last night? Hmm, maybe I should tune in to what he's saying- Ooh! Nougat!

Okay focus Serena, what did he just say.

"-rry. Damn, you work faster then a Bissell. So anyways-"

What did he say! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY! I'll kill him, I'll cut him, did he not learn from the first time! Verbal assault in two, one-

"_You_ jackass!"

"You bring me chocolate and then you _insult me_! What the hell is wrong with y-"

And now there's kissing, and my brains kinda getting fuzzy, and what was my name again?

Wow I can hold my breath a lot longer then I thought. Consider taking scuba lessons...

..Oookay. Well. If he gives me a minute to process that then we might stand a--

"I figured that was the easiest way to shut you up before you got started."

**God he's stupid.**

"You _daft _**prick."**

"What did I do now?"

"Every problem cannot be settled with kissing, and if you thought it could you should've shut up while I was zoned out!"

"I already apologized to you _several times_ but I didn't think you heard me over your impression of a Chocolate _Hoover_ and I thought it would be better if I gave up and got to what we both agree on!"

"Why do you continue to do that? Don't insult me and flatter me in one sentence! It's kinda obvious which part I'm going to remember first! _And you saw me eat ice cream, you should've known better then to give me the food first!_ What are you doing here anyway?

And how the hell did you know where I live?"

"I'd tell you if you'd _calm the hell down_! What's wrong with you? I drove over here with chocolates, I apologized, and yet you continue with your impression of a _harpy_!"

"I'll give you _harpy_ you sanctimonious son of a- daddy!" I'm dead, I'm dead, oh wait. Why should I die alone? Ha, oh boy, _fun for me_.

"Daddy? Well that's new, but not really my thi- hello sir!"

"Who the hell are you, and why are you anywhere near my daughter?"

I thought I should take a pause to point out something, ladies, is there anything more annoying then dad/brother blockers? I mean sure, you want your dad to scare off the ugly, but it's when they scare off the pretty that we need to draw the line. And guys! You chicken shits, why you running? Aren't I, a beautiful young woman, enough of a reason for you to face down my father? And, ya know, his gun cabinet but- HEY COME BACK! Dammit. Well, for those of you who wondered why I'm still single, I give you exhibit A. Weighing in at 225, height of 6"1, and glasses so thick that Italy called and wants its secret formula back, I give you Daddy, a.k.a _Cockblocker 2000_!

Now I'm looking at my dad and I see, basically…a big ole dork. I mean I love him to death, of this there is no doubt, but I just don't see what strikes fear into the hearts of any male that shows interest in me. I mean what is it? My dad is just not intimidating; you should see my mom cold clock him with her spatula! And when he's inevitably mad at me or Sammy, it's so hard to take whatever he's yelling seriously because he flaps his arms like a retarded chicken trying to take flight just like my mom. And when we start laughing at him, which we _always_ do, he starts laughing too. So what about this man says 'fear me'? I just don't get it. But apparently Darien does because he looks like he's about to piss on himself and…Oh…

Oh, oh, oh. No I couldn't do that; it'd just be too mean. And too **me**. Excuse me while I bite back an evil cackle. Oh you don't know what I'm planning? Well just watch o:

"Daddy, this is my boyfriend Darien! Isn't he _gorgeous_?" This was all executed with a big smile and I'm glued to Darien's side like a press-on nail.

And now my dad's looking at me like he has a chicken bone stuck in his clavicle, and Darien is looking at me like I just announced that I'm a man. This will be so much fun for me!

"Muffin, this is my father, Ken Tsukino, I'm so glad that my two favorite guys are finally getting a chance to meet!"

(Darien) "Uc ta do bu-" I think I just gave Darien a stroke. Neat!

(Daddy) "Nice to meet you young man. I suppose you've come to dinner, the family would like to get to know you better. Please come in."

Now see, my dad isn't even being marginally unpleasant! Why does Darien have that constipated expression on his…Oh my dad hasn't stopped shaking his hand…Actually, it looks like he's trying to break his- "Daddy that's enough handshake, let go now!" Honestly, when it turns white, its past shook!

(Darien) "Thank you, sir, I'll be right behind you, I just have to say something to Serena."

That something being along the lines of "You evil bitch!"? I know this; I don't need it shouted at me in my entryway. Besides, if he runs out the door now, daddy will just run him down with the Subaru so really, I'm doing him a _favor_.

"Oh baby, always wanting to cop a last feel, we can 'talk' later!"

LOL, _sike_! Not even _I_ am that mean!

"Darling we can talk after dinner, come on I didn't get a chance to really introduce you to my mother!"

I am, however, _that_ mean.

Right now I have a vice like grip on Darien's arm, trying to appear like I'm cuddling, while in reality, I'm trying to see if I can cut off circulation. Because, ya know, I'd find that funny. So how am I going to pull this off? I mean, my mom knows what happened; she's not going to buy my complete turn around into Barney Love country. Think Serena, think...Dammit, I have _Amy_ for this! Excuse to get mom alone, _excuse to get mom alone_…HA!

"Is something burning?"

"My lasagna!" BAM! If her meal is in danger, my mom can put Superman to shame. I don't know if I should be ashamed that my mother can lap me…

"Mom, I have to tell y-"

"Serena my lasagna is fine, you scared the bejesus out of me _what's wrong with you_? How many times have I told you _not to do that_? I try very hard to make nice meals and you feel the need to make me freak out and sprint out of the room like I'm auditioning for the Olympics! It's just like that time you made me knock Sammy over because you said my cake was falling-"

"Excuse me, I did not _make_ you knock the fungus over, I commented that your cake looked in poor shape and you bulldozed the little 'tard out of your way! It is not my fault you valued pastry over your only son!"

"That's ironic, coming from someone who has tried numerous times to make themselves an only child!"

"Well I can't be trying that hard, can I, he's still _here_." Damn him… "And forget the reject; I have to talk to you about Darien!"

"Darien would be the handsome young man you had the vice grip on when you walked into the room?"

How do mothers observe so much in so little time? Why hasn't this skill been tapped by the CIA?

"Yeah him, look-"

"Darien wouldn't happen to be _Bo_ would he?"

See, 'cause if the CIA used it, they'd inflict it on their children less.

"Uh…maybe?"

"So Bo's appearance here would mean you decided…?"

"Is deciding when I make a decision? Because I haven't reached that phase in my emotional development yet." Thank you _Dr. Phil_!

"Serena that is the biggest load of shit in the world."

CIA I'm telling you, she'd solve half your case load in a week, just come pick her _up_!

"OK, well what-had-happened-was… I _did_ make a decision. I was just going to forget the whole thing and act like we never met. But then he just showed up and, I still don't know he got our address come to think of it, but he brought me candy and my resolve kinda, _ya know_...ya know?"

"Uh huh. And did this great change in perspective happen before or after you ate all the chocolates and frenched him in front of the door?"

** Take her dammit**!

"Mom you _spied_ on me? How could you do that, that is _so_-?"

"Oh Sere honey, _shut up_! First of all, I answered the door so naturally I wanted to see what the hot tall guy wanted with my daughter. It's not my fault that on walking back in to the hall I had the unfortunate pleasure of watching my daughter half maul said man for a chocolate box! I was standing in awed _horror_ as you consumed a two pound box of chocolates in two minutes when the two of you started bickering which somehow morphed into a scene from a romance novel! At which point, I gave you some privacy-" There was some privacy for us to have left? "-and went in to the dining room to set the silverware. But then the two of you started _shouting_ so imagine my surprise when you walked in hugging the boy's arm like an _NSYNC_ groupie!"

"But you shouldn't have watched us at all!"

"Sweetie, let me clue you in to a concept you seem to have trouble grasping. **IT'S MY DAMN HOUSE!**"

_ Ah, here it goes_!

"IF I WANT TO COME IN TO MY HALLWAY, I WILL COME IN TO MY DAMN HALLWAY! CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU AND YOUR BROTHER THINK I AM NOT THE DUTIFUL MAID WHO FEEDS AND CLEANS UP AFTER YOU AND THEN SITS QUIETLY IN THE CORNER AWAITING YOUR NEXT REQUEST!"

"But wouldn't that be kinda cool?" OK wrong thing to say, I know this now! So she just took a swing at me with a wooden spoon so I'm going to put this cute little island between us and…Continue! To! Duck!...OW that thing hurts dammit!

"YOU DON'T APPRECIATE ME IN THE SLIGHTEST! I BET MINAKO'S MOTHER-"

"Before or after she's pouring herself in to bed around dawn?"

"THEN AMI'S MOM-"

"Who works so much that Ami asks to see her ID before letting her in to the house?"

"REI'S MOTHER…"

We both know not to bother going there! Who do you think Rei got it from?

"Your other friend's mothers-"

"Kinda dead. For awhile now. Why do you think they're always coming over here?"

:Sigh: "Well I still think you don't appreciate me."

On this I give and offer a Hallmark hug.

"I know I don't enough and I'm sorry. If it helps, when I'm a billionaire, I'm totally buying you a self cleaning house in the tropics."

"I want a masseuse too. Live in."

"Weekends."

"Deal. So what's going on? With all the yelling I thought you'd tossed Bo out on his tiny tushy?"

"I think I'm going to give things with Darien a chance…maybe. But I'm still pissed about all the arguing so I figured we'd make him work for it."

"Will this in any way require paramedics?"

"No."

"An alibi?"

"No."

"Therapy?"

"Not for you."

"Then I'll help, all things depending. What do I have to do?"

"I just need you to be you…to the two thousandth power."

"What, pray tell, does that mean?"

"You know how you get whenever grandma comes over for longer than a day? _You know_ when Sammy and I run for our friend's houses and don't come back 'til the crazy crack lady that inhabited your body and can't stop cleaning/shrieking goes _away_?"

"OK, first, stop making me sound like Martha Stewart on a hallucinogenic. And second, I go insane which is why we only invite either grandmother over once a year and, for the sake of our marriage, she's forced to stay in a hotel. You want me to act like that on _purpose_?"

"No. I want you to act like both of them came over…and moved in with us indefinitely."

"Serena, if you hate the boy this much, just send him home!"

"Ha, I don't hate him! I just want to torture him a little…or a lot…Whatever! If at the end of it all, he still likes me, then we'll give it a shot and I'll make it up to him." I can make that fun enough for him to forget the torture. .

"And if he doesn't and, as any other sensible male would do, he runs screaming into the sunset, then what?

"Then I've literally ruined him for all other women. And I can live with that."

"How did I end up with a daughter who'd want to scare a man to gay town?"

"Oh please! And if dad had acted this way when you first met?"

"Well see that's different."

"How exactly?"

"Because I think you save this kind of thing for _after_ the wedding. Get the ring, before anything, that was the motto in my day."

"Want to hear my motto?" There's a word in it that rhymes with 'duck'.

"No. Let's just get this over with."

"Hey mama I'm back!"

"What are you doing here twerp, I scared you away forever ago!" Trust my little brother to…wait! He can be used! If he can't be used, he'll be dismembered and thrown back outside. Either way works for me!

"_Look_! My _darling_ little brother. I have company over and if you mess up this dinner I will wrap you like a mummy and bury you in the backyard so I can hear you beg for your life before you suffocate. And unlike last time, mom won't hear you screaming and fish you out."

"Mama-!"

"No sweetie, she's right, you mess this evening up and she gets to kill ya. Very creative by the way, Sere. Sammy, grab an extra place setting before you go in k doll?"

Yes! Finally my chance to double up on Christmas presents! Is it sad that I'm hoping he does mess up? Ah, who cares!

"Sere are you sure you want to do this?"

"Mom, I'm not a major gamer but I do know how it works. If Darien survives this dinner then that'll be the end of it, no more playing around, I'll give it an honest shot." For the first time in my natural life.

"OK. But don't you think this has been cruel enough?"

Wha?

"Huh?"

"You left the man alone with your father. For the last 15 minutes. And there's cutlery in there. If he isn't already dead, then-"

"OH SHIT!"

**End Author's Note: So I hope you liked it, way short I know, but this is as good as it's going to get unless some people love me enough to review. I'm aiming for 10, come on people pretty please? .**


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